I heard the news of the extent of the repairs needed to get my truck running again with a sinking feeling. Not only was I unsure of how I would pay for them (is anyone else having a particularly financially draining year?), the bigger question was: how long?

[Tomorrow is the appointment for my horse’s new shoes. I need the truck to haul her there. Could I put off the shoes and do them closer to the event?]

Well… it will take me days to get the parts assembled for sure…

[The last ride of the season is in two weeks.]

What about by the 24th? Could we be back on the road by the 24th?

I doubt it. If I can get the parts that’s one thing, but we have a few big jobs in the queu and with the holiday coming, I don’t think that’s possible… I could get it drivable in the short term for you, but this problem will happen again if it’s not fixed, I’d hate for you to get to South Carolina and not be able to get back.

[Yeah, I won’t take that risk hauling a horse.]

So there it was as I hung up the phone. I sat down and reflected for a moment. Something I’ve been looking forward to for months, preparing for since September, not only the event itself, but a plan to see two different friends on each end of the trip as well. Multiple layers of disappointment washed over me as I took in what it meant. 

There have been times my scheduled plans have been resisted and I’ve had to push through some obstacles, but somehow I knew this one more. Let it go, I have something else in mind. This was a roadblock. It was clarity.   

Will you let it go?

Yes. I will let it go.

As I drove to the barn in my car for morning chores, I was disappointed but I shifted gears quickly. 

Lord, if you don’t want me at the race, I trust you. What do you have for me instead?

I know the character of the father today more than I did a few years ago. A few years ago I might have wondered what horrible fate I was being saved from? A devastating wreck on the highway? An injury in the ride? Today – and actually I mean today, as in Wednesday, November 9, 2022… I smiled as I thought back over my reading and journaling of that morning.

I have been reading through Genesis. Today I was reflecting on the chapters around Joseph reuniting with his brothers— specifically how Israel (Jacob) handled things from home. I had noted that he held back his next favorite son Benjamin when he sent the other grown sons to buy grain and food from Egypt. When Joseph wanted to test the brothers he held back Simeon and asked they come back with Benjamin. Yes, it tested the brothers, but it really tested their father, Israel.

Benjamin was the remaining son of beloved Rachel who had died in childbirth. A favorite. Joesph had been the favorite (Rachel’s first son) but that favoritism conspired to remove him from the dysfunctional family (telling their father he was killed by a wild animal) landing him as a slave, then a prisoner, then something like Prime Minister in Egypt. Now Israel was holding onto Benjamin for dear life. When the sons returned to him and said they need to bring Ben to free Simeon, Isreal refused. He held on.

He didn’t realize that this test was letting go. He said already he lost beloved Joseph, Simeon was taken, and if he lost Benjamin as well it would take him to hell in sorrow. No. He refused. 

On that side of the test he couldn’t see that letting go of Benjamin actually meant an exchange that would bring back his “dead” son, reunite his family, and bring them in a time of famine to a place where they would never lack any good thing. 

He stalled as long as he could, but when the food ran out and the entire family could starve…. He relented. If they were all going to die what good is it to hold onto a dying favorite son? 

He finally let go.

I noted in my journal that in letting go of the thing he held on to for joy and life- which actually cost him his joy because he lived in fear of losing it every day… He did a great exchange. He let go of Benjamin, and was returned not only two “lost” sons but wealth and comfort and even some peace in his family.

What he was given was infinitely greater and beyond what he could have dreamed. He never considered he would be reunited with the son he thought had died those years ago.

I remembered months ago at a women’s retreat in worship, sensing an intense presence of the Holy Spirit, on day one, the worship leader suggested we bring something to the altar and give it to Jesus. I told him I was ready to give him my hopes and dreams. Later I thought how strange… to be without hopes and dreams? But it seemed right. 

This retreat was a two-day event and in worship the next day, quietly on my own in the back of the room I had a vision in my mind of a glass ball, like a small globe, very dense, and as you looked into it, infinite layers of what appeared to be galaxies and stars it was beautiful, dark and dense yet colorful and bright. 

I asked Jesus… what is it?

It’s what I have for you- in exchange for your hopes and dreams. These are my hopes and dreams.

Infinitely more than I had given up. My own small thinking and plastic trinkets for the dreams of the one who created all things. What a thing to be trusted with the hopes and dreams of heaven on earth.

I want to be quick to give things up that Jesus asks me for. To do so I have to believe he is good, and he is for me. He wants more fullness and joy for me than I want for myself. Sometimes he returns things to me, he won’t keep something I need to walk in my purpose. When he returns a thing, it’s always better somehow than when I gave it. Sometimes it’s true he does not give it back, I imagine a child who finds something poisonous or dangerous and in curiosity offers it to dad. Dad says thank you and disposes of the dangerous item. That is love. 

Yet our perfect father always gives us something in return for what we give and if he doesn’t give back the thing itself, his exchange is always for something bigger and better, and more eternal.

I don’t know what the exchange is for the disappointment of being grounded, giving up going to an event I’ve been looking forward to, and a large repair bill for my truck. But I trust that it will be good.