I listened to a book last week; actually I listened to it twice. The book is Secular, Sacred, Spirit  by Blake Healy. For any of you not acquainted with Blake’s story, he has been able to see into the (unseen to most of us) “spirit realm” since birth or at least back to his very first memories. He shares a pretty unique experience about what that has been like and learning to understand what to do with it. His books have a particular bent toward the message of the ferocious love of a creator and father who engages through great effort to pour out that love over the people in the world all around us. Regardless of what you think about the nature of spiritual things and how real they are, his books are fascinating.

In this particular book Blake attempts to draw the reader past the surface layer shock of some people can see angels and demons and all that stuff to what he’s come to understand as the language of heaven. I love language. What drew me in to read it, and then read it again, was how much nuance and subtlety was available. I am quite taken aback at how much more complex this dimension of life is. If I am honest, I have oversimplified too much going on around me and in my own life. 

If the spirit layer is a kind of underpinning to the physical world, which I believe is true, then the things that Blake is able to observe reflect a truth from a deeper place than most of us have access to. He might look at a friend and see old wounds or new ones that are not physically there but symbolize hurtful words – old ones sometimes heavy with scarring, old ones newly torn open, or new ones. He might notice wounds being transformed into fresh skin as healing balm of truth and love are applied. He might see an angel cheering on their person to victory in a challenge or encouraging them to face a fear, and he might see a demon pouring a black gooey bucket of shame over someone. He might see a beautiful waterfall in a living room that is regularly prayed in, or in a family that struggles to connect- lifeless trees in a barren ground without much of a root system. 

In Secular, Sacred, Spirit, Blake gives a complex depth of detail to some of the things he’s observed and tries to walk the reader through nuances and mystery. He does not himself understand everything he can see. Sometimes the understanding comes as he asks a questions, sometimes it comes in time, sometimes it takes a long time before the pieces fit together. While the book seems to answer questions, it asks many more. Sometimes he never really figures out what something means. The uncomfortable place of mystery and wonder that the wild God who loves us appears to invite us to participate in.

I have talked to many others who like me, want to have the ability to categorize things into A or B… maybe we can add C and possibly D. We want to look ahead of us at choices and know which one is better. Do I take the risk on the new venture or keep my job for now? Which church is the right one for my family? Public school, private school or home school? I think God is drawing me into this dream… but do I move now or wait? If this dream seems like a clear calling what is a step of faith? Do I wait for provision, or step into the river before it parts and take the risk without knowing how it will turn out? What about relationships? Which ones do I encourage… which ones should I discourage?

We all want to be able to ask God, and to hear his voice and do the right thing; if not the right thing and least the better thing. Yet I find many people don’t really ask God because they either don’t think they will actually get guidance, or they are afraid it will be the guidance they didn’t want to hear. I think God wants to engage with us even in small details. There have been nights I’m certain God airdropped me a simple dinner plan I couldn’t sort out. Those nights didn’t exactly change the trajectory of my life. But they have reminded me that God really really cares. He cares about what we eat for dinner and when we didn’t have time for shopping or even when I’ve wasted time somewhere irresponsibly — I don’t think he gets tired of coming to the rescue with brilliant ideas. 

However the struggle to ask, seek, and follow comes with bigger dreams, bigger decisions, bigger stakes, lifelong limps and toads in the garden… 

Blake talks through three stories of friends who love God and all had ideas for businesses. He could see provision, building crates, raw materials, gardens forming. Each unique story and approach had a lot of potential impact early on and appeared to have blessing and kingdom promise in them. Yet in the process they each meandered in ways that were not so direct and simple. 

In one business example, Blake saw hot raw metal glowing and ready to go whenever the friend talked about a humanitarian start up that would bring clean water into underdeveloped places. This friend seemed to have a lot to work with… yet somehow lacked the ability to create a team and get the raw materials of the spirit realm into a functioning business model. Everything sounded positive but the investors continued to be unstable, the team rocky and the production didn’t appear to materialize well. Over a few years it just never got off the ground and was tabled. 

Still, when his friend would talk about the exciting idea those glowing twisted raw materials would erupt again… and in the end an Angel collected the glowing raw pieces, balled them back together and… put them back into his friend. Nothing lost. 

What was missing in this scenario that the business couldn’t get on track? Did God not want to bless the poor with clean water? Did it hinge on others who were not as committed? Did the lack of available partners kill the dream? Isn’t God able to bring the people together for the dreams he gives us? Was this not what God wanted him to be working on? Was it not the right timing? All those parts going back into his friend- did that mean they are still there for a later time?

Another business story came through a friend who spent a lot of time seeking God’s guidance before taking any steps. The new company got off the ground, thrived for a while and then the economy seemed to create enough disruption to bring it down. Apparently this business was clearly bringing all the best parts of kingdom into every place it went. It was run honorably, took care of both clients and employees well, and served a need. 

Blake asked good questions in the book as this business appeared to be going under, laying people off and heading toward closing altogether: Is God not bigger than shifting economy? Did this business owner miss something? Was he not on the right path? Could he have done something different? Or is it none of the above…. It’s the mystery. Blake saw such life and fruit wherever this friend went, it saddened him to see him struggle and have to make hard decisions and possibly close his doors, however it was clear that no matter what he did, life and fruit would follow. Even into whatever came next for him. 

The third of the projects was a tech based idea. Blake saw a garden being painted in the spirit realm and for a while it was pristine, beautiful, well thought out and organized. This business took the longest to launch and the friend was exceptionally good at details. When it did launch it was a success and then grew quickly which meant hiring and expansion. The garden was lovely and growing. Then a family member with a son needing to learn job responsibility (hadn’t succeeded committing to other jobs) called to see if he could work for the company. The owner had a high priority for family and for giving people a chance. He knew it was risky but decided to give the immature family member a chance. 

This is when the dark clouds and… a toad showed up. Apparently the toad was making quite a mess of the pristine garden. Clients were being lost, other employees affected, and the work culture so carefully crafted was getting muddy and messy. The toad was creating chaos. 

This example was my favorite because it asks more good questions. Is the point to never let the toads in? What would Jesus do in this case? Was Peter like a toad? Judas? What about the sons of thunder? 

This was the most clear human choice “problem” in the three examples. Over time, after hurts and scrapes and even some chaos, this business owner began to learn how to apply healthy boundaries. It took some time, but he began to see the toad stop wrecking havoc and keeping to mud puddles and under branches. The toad never turned into a prince, or even a productive worker- but at least the damage was minimized. In this case I think the business continued on and was the one that appeared to have more lasting success. 

Did this one have more success because the person was more methodical and organized? Was it because he was willing to learn and grow (bringing on the toad, and learning how to create boundaries)? How do good boundaries work? Should he had never allowed the toad in? How serious was the toad’s damage? Maybe the company would have tripled instead of stabilized and grew steadily but slowly without the toad? Did God use the toad situation to slow the growth so the company could handle in strength while also teaching a personal lesson to a bunch of people in the process? Who wants a toad if we can help it?

Maybe some of this is missing the point. Maybe I am looking at a successful company that grows, expands and is self sustaining as the goal. Maybe God isn’t considering that as a high priority? Certainly there are things I don’t understand about how He is running the universe. I am regularly confused. 

This week I have had some beautiful encouraging things. I have also had some deeply deeply discouraging ones. I have asked: what do they mean?

I want to know- am I on the wrong track? The right track? IS THERE are right and wrong track? How can I avoid unnecessary pain and failure? 

Jesus… I know you call us to patience in producing fruit. I know you call us to wait and persevere through challenge so we can grow in our faith. However you can’t want us to be mired in unsuccessful ventures, failure and brokenness as a rule right? I have heard about your kingdom and it is a place where the blind are given sight, the lame walk, the deaf hear, those in prisons are made free, and a light comes to those in deep darkness. Sickness, death, failure, I realize we don’t have to fear those things- but I don’t think we should accept them as his greatest wish for us either.

What I appreciated about Blake’s book is that it came at a time to remind me that the Kingdom, that the language of heaven, the ways of God are incredibly complex. I readily accept that my idea of success and God’s are not always aligned. I want mine to align with his. Every time. Apparently I’m occasionally slow to make the shift. 

I recently heard Tim Keller say that God doesn’t want to take away our drive to desire greatness. He says many religions want to strip us of the drive for greatness in the name of [false] humility. We are made in His image. We are made for glory. He does however want to radically redefine our understanding of greatness and glory.

I believe this. However we also KNOW what brokenness looks like. And I don’t think the Kingdom of Heaven is about accepting that people (or animals, or communities, or systems) just don’t get healing here anymore. Yet we also have all experiences loss due to brokenness. People who aren’t healed who love God and are prayed over continually. Communities torn apart regardless of prayer and dedicated people reaching out in love.

I wish I had clear simple answers to these things. I wish I could see the calling on my life, the dreams God gave me and a direct (ok, even indirect!) path to wholeness, success, and transformation going out in all directions wherever I’m sent to walk. I have thought if only I could actually see into that realm where the spiritual is totally clear then I would know what to do, and the steps to doing it. Blake’s book made me rethink that unexamined belief and realize that on the level of the spiritual it’s probably even more nuanced and unclear to someone not God like me.

That brings me to the final thought I took away from the book. Our beliefs seem to have a great impact on our lives. Blake came to realize that he suffered as a young man more than necessary from demonic torment because he believed things that weren’t true- and those forces of darkness, they will take advantage of every opening. It is the truth that sets us free right?

I have come to see in myself over a few years that I have plenty of unexamined beliefs operating under the surface of my life, influencing my choices, instructing my words to others, and sometimes sending my emotions into roiling unnecessary storms. It appears a common theme that people who are hard to influence can get stuck in lifetime ditches. 

I have heard a few leaders mention over their time mentoring, that they might have a great range of personalities through their ministry. Everyone brings in challenges and no one is a perfect representation- but it isn’t how humble, caring, kind, loving, thoughtful, flexible etc a person is that determines if they will continue to grow and become more fruitful. The transformation is more often determined by how soft they are to correction, if they are willing to pause and see another point of view, if they can be influenced by others. 

Clearly if someone is too easily influenced and does not have their own mind they can be swayed with every wind. This is an extreme case that is also unhealthy That isn’t what I mean. However many people I’ve seen are so afraid of letting go of a belief they developed through an experience or a teaching from an earlier time in their life that might have some truth and also be off balance- they end up as Blake saw a friend walking with a limp. 

This story from the book was of a Jesus-loving friend who had a life that reflected deep worship, value for the word of God and a deep dependence on God. These attributes seemed clear they would create a beautiful life in the spirit realm. However this friend had a limp in the spirit that would knock over provision God was sending, fling muck and wound the people around him. His particular limp came from believing that God was his provider. 

This is so complicated- because that is true. God is our provider. Yet even truths can be jacked out of balance into something unhealthy. He wasn’t able to see the difference between God providing for him, and taking advantage of people that over time felt used and abused. He destroyed many relationships of people willing to help him, and never seemed to take responsibility for himself. His relationships over time grew brittle and broken. He lost his wife, custody of his kids, and many friendships- always saying it’s ok, I’m believing in God to make this right…people often don’t understand.

A few times people who deeply loved him tried to have a conversation, albeit likely imperfectly, with him to help him see what had developed into a huge blind spot. Each time he insisted no one could understand him, and that he answered to God- who loves him and will always provide for everything and take care of all, and would often cut those who loved him enough to try speak truth in love – for months or years. He overreacted to any correction like an exposed nerve being poked.

He could not be influenced, he didn’t listen to those who loved him. In churchy circles (for lack of a better term) I see us tending toward making distinctions about people- they are bad or good. What about the guy with the limp- he truly loved Jesus, he depended on God. Was he bad or good? What about the self-sacrificing church lady who pours herself into helping the community, she loves Jesus and you can always count on her for a need, she has a soft heart and helps maybe too much at times… but also is a gossip who has hurt reputations sharing things that weren’t hers to share… bad or good? The pastor who had an affair (obviously bad… right?!) we have to punish and make an example out of him right? So many of our amazing teachers and leaders have dark things in the closets… in fact many humans have closets. 

Blake suggests our spiritual lives are like gardens, every one unique. Some have fancy spectacular growth and blooming plants, among jagged rocks and thorny bushes… there are different soils and grasses, weeds, water features and swamps. We are all a mixture of the things we sow. None of us perfect yet. It’s easier to see the things that make sense to us (our belief system) and connect with people whose gardens look more like the one we feel at home in. 

One clear thing- we can choose what we sow. We can decide to forgive, carry compassion, choose mercy over judgement, always marry love and truth, encourage others instead of tearing them down. We know the better way. Our gardens can be increasingly beautiful as we intentionally sow the right seeds, work the soil with the Father (often this includes tiling in your ashes and tears. I hear this makes for very rich soil) and have patience in bearing the fruit.

I continue to walk forward managing my own garden. As I try to sort out the dreams God has given me and knowing He will provide everything to bring them to fruition, this book has made what was slightly fuzzy even less clear. I have more questions than ever now.

What does success look like? Are all the materials in crates around me and I simply need to start opening them? How do I do that? Am I moving too fast or too slow? Is there a toad, or a fox on the loose and how do I know the difference? Do I have a slight limp? Do I have a big limp? What things do I still believe because of my own past experiences and a teaching I didn’t realize I had internalized to created something off balance? 

I have a feeling many of you have similar questions. Maybe that is part of entering as a child. Learning a completely new language with total trust that my Father is good, and he will hold my hand and walk with me through the garden. I want to know everything at once immediately now, but I have lived long enough to see it doesn’t work that way. Instead I get to explore with him, stay soft and teachable, be steadfast in my faith and also able to let go of off-balance beliefs based on partial truths. 

More questions than answers can feel overwhelming, yet it’s beautiful when I realize that I have infinite layers to learn and a Father who in his glory has concealed many things for me to have the honor (of a queen) to seek out.

It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings [queens] to search things out. Proverbs 25:2