“We have become his poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny he has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it!”  Ephesians 2:10 TPT

This week I was reminded that we will be most satisfied and fulfilled when we operate out of our identity, not our need. This was a revealing moment for me as I had been looking to the near future with some uncertainty and a few disappointments that brought on low levels of anxiety… How am I going to pay the bills this summer if that plan doesn’t come through… what can I do to plan for that…

We all have needs. The enemy of our heart constantly hovers nearby telling us we had better find a way to provide… God helps those who help themselves you know…. He encourages us to make our own plans. God cares about the big things, but you have to figure out how to pay the bills, and get through your day-to-day.

Sadly, though this SOUNDS responsible, it distracts us from walking in our created purpose. Of course we are to work, plan, and do our best to make responsible choices- however if we swing this too far it can preclude engaging in the things God is setting before us. 

Your purpose is not your job. Your purpose is not your hobby. You don’t get your purpose from where you decide to live or if you get married or have a family or not. Your purpose is not (as Lisa Van Den Berg says) what you do, but it is who you be. 

God created each one of us as a totally unique masterpiece. There is not one other person with exactly the same temperament, personality, giftings, talents, sense of humor, color of hair, energy level, strengths, weaknesses, and passions. There is a groove in this world that only you can fill. It is in who you are, your true identity. For many years of my life I tried to follow the world’s advice to define myself, I only put on false layers of make up and facades. It was only in returning to the one who made me that he began to walk with me to uncover who I was created and designed to be- gently removing all those outer masks that were wearing me out in truth. 

When I learn who I am to be, then I can truly operated from purpose and allow God to provide the provision and the opportunities and the life I was created for. And that creates a life that reverberates into eternity.

In the book Undistracted, Bob Goff writes:

• Most people don’t want better careers they really want more purpose. People who are focused on their purpose don’t want to rule the hive- they want to put their quarter inch of honey on top of everyone else’s to participate in making something lasting. Even the honey buried with the pharaohs is still sweet- that’s the kind of shelf life I want to see.

No wonder the enemy wants to distract you with all the “needs” you think you have to get addressed. Because if you begin to rest in the one who made you and make decisions out of who you be instead of what you think you need, you walk in a power and an authority that brings life, love and a new hope to the world. 

Bonus- it’s also more fun!

Father in heaven, thank you for your steadfast love for us! Your workmanship, your poetry and your masterpieces! Thank you that you have given unique and special vision, dreams and assignments to each of us- so that we never have to dwell in the unhappiness of comparison with one another! There is a special place for each person reading this in your kingdom, a special place only we can fill, no one else is equipped to walk out the dreams you have for me, to engage the places you have set before me with a unique key to unlock the doors and dreams you planned before the foundation of the earth for me. Father, speak into our lives today and remind us that it isn’t only a future and a hope you have given us, but that even right now today our destinies unfold. Give us your eyes to see the world around us and uncover the treasures you have for us in those around us right now. Teach us to love like you when it’s hard, and when it’s easy and full of joy. Thank you that you say the boundary lines are in pleasant places- that we have a beautiful inheritance; one that is totally singular to each of us, and all our own! Amen

I have become more aware in 2022 the weight of the need for connection to the human soul.

There is a reason solitary confinement is one of the most damaging and difficult punishments we can inflict on someone. It is not good for man (human) to be alone. (Genesis 2:18)

At the very deepest part of our created make up is not an accidental freak of nature and biology… it is the need for connection. To survive and especially to thrive, humans must have at least another. We cannot replicate ourselves (at least not yet thank God) without “another” and once that connection is formed and new life created, we know in our deepest level that we will always long to be seen. The need to “know”, to be “known”, and in that vulnerable place, to be loved.

Yada.

Yada is the Hebrew word meaning “to know” and is used to describe deep intimacy- specifically the deep intimacy God the Father longs to have with his children.

It is not then surprising that the deepest, often hidden, fear that drives most of humankind is the potential loss of Yada. Disconnection. Alone. Not the alone that many of us long for on occasion to have the quiet to recharge and think, not even the solo-life that many people find a comfortable existence with friends and family a layer out in our contented circle. The alone of having no one who “knows” us and in that knowing accepts us for who we are. The sense that we are safe to be real, vulnerable and occasionally weak. Human flesh in all our imperfections and yet still with facets to some extent that reflect the glory of the creator- more each year as we grow.

Fear drives us to strange things. In our fear of losing connection, everywhere I look (especially in my own life) there is the dysfunction of actions that destroy the very thing we want most.

Recently a close friend grew distant for a variety of reasons. Though I knew our friendship was at the core secure, the distance at the time felt painful. This gave me the opportunity to dissect and study the connection-disconnection cycle in real time. I began the case study as I found myself considering ways to punish my friend.

Of course I didn’t think of it at first in those terms. It all sounded very reasonable… Well when she does finally come around and respond, I won’t be sitting by the phone waiting… I’ll make her wait and squirm a few days… maybe she’ll think I’ve moved on and don’t care what she thinks anymore… that will make her think twice before getting too busy with her life and family in the future if she still wants to be my friend…

These are paraphrases and when they are said out loud they are revealed for the ridiculous thoughts they are- the problem was they ruminated in a deeper place without language for a few days first polluting the murky waters insisting they were reasonable reactions to a wound. I know those are not the ways to encourage a strong friendship and they certainly aren’t grace-filled! None of those thoughts when brought to light describe a way I want to think or act. 

Yet if I wouldn’t have started with admitting they were there I would have been stuck never getting to the starting line. Step one is always be honest first with ourselves. Denial only feeds the dark things. When I did pull them out and turn them around in the light I laughed at them, and myself. So these are the lies that create more disconnection. 

What is the truth? 

The truth always sets us free.

The truth is my close friend is an intimate connection in my life which makes me vulnerable to being hurt. The closest friendship and relationships have the greatest power to hurt us deeply. The recent distance left me feeling isolated and hurt. The realization I was feeling hurt led me to the next step in healing which was a decision to forgive my friend for that wound.

[NOTE!! I do not believe this hurt was intentional. My friend had her own plate and her own things that kept her at a distance for this time, one of the most valuable things I have learned in 2022 is that I can forgive someone when I’ve been hurt- even if the hurt was unintentional or even mostly unavoidable. We live in a broken world where many things are not ideal. I could choose to forgive her even before she realized that my feelings were hurt. I could forgive her if she never realized the depth of the pain that came from what on her end might have seemed like a much smaller oversight. I could even forgive her and never mention it again. The truth could be that the pain was magnified by a weakness in my own heart, a nerve that was unusually sensitive. Forgiveness is to set me free and hopefully to dig out and heal the nerve as well.]

Once I admitted to myself behind the anger was that I felt hurt (its way easier to get protective and defensive), and began to talk to God about how I didn’t feel like forgiving, but knew it was the better choice — so please help walk me to that place… I saw that what had been polluting the water was my desire to protect myself from future pain by trying to control my friend through punishment.

This process is the highway to DISCONNECTION and isolation. Because as soon as I begin to punish my friend- she is hurt. Then she will likely continue the cycle by protecting herself and probably punish me with more disconnection. No Yada.

What I wanted with restoration to Yada with my friend. I wanted her to come back into a close connection. I missed her. I was sad. And yet I also knew that by continuing a close deep friendship with her I was risking going through this exact same pain again.

What is even more fascinating is within a few minutes of this conversation I had with God, my friend resurfaced with a note. I’m glad I had already done some heart work so I could walk back into connection with her more easily than if I was still oozing pussy poison from the hurt place. She knew she had been distant for various reasons and wanted to talk about them. I was able to hear her and care about her own burdens and also share that vulnerable truth that she is such a valued friend that her absence does hurt me because I miss her.

Reconnection.

Having a pure heart is being willing to Yada with those in our inner circles knowing fully that it will mean being hurt again because we are here in the broken world where nothing is ideal. Even if my friend never grew distant or distracted again… one of us could be removed by circumstances beyond our control. Someday we all leave…

Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul mind and strength; and the second is like it: you shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22: 37, 39)

The order matters. If we don’t Yada with our father first, we are too wounded to Yada with our earthly family and loved ones without sustaining and creating damage. And we certainly don’t have the wholeness to love our neighbors well, forget the real test of a child of the Creator King: love your enemies and bless those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44). [We are not called to an intimate connection with our neighbors and enemies- but to love them]. I have come to a place in my own life where one of the gates to my inner circle is that those who come that deep in need to have Yada with the father. If they don’t, it’s not likely they are safe enough to honor that close a connection. I can love them, but they aren’t invited in that very small inner circle.

It is my father who heals my broken heart… every time. Peter wondered how many times we must forgive the same offense? I think he was feeling quite generous when he said how about seven times (Matthew 18:21)? I can hear the culture of today echoing: After then I need to cut them off and punish them with distance and disconnection right? That is the wise thing to do.

But we are meant for connection… and Jesus takes Peter’s big number and basically says: how about that times infinity? (Matthew 18:22)

The only way we can continue to seek connection when we are vulnerable or wounded is if we are connected deeply and intimately to the one who can raise the dead. If you think your heart is hurt beyond repair, Jesus let us see that nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26), forgiveness of sins and raising the dead- dead bodies and dead hearts. 

We are called to take up the yoke of Jesus. (Matthew 11:28-30) Yes, it’s lighter than the ones we were trying to carry before, but it is still a yoke. If we accept his yoke we have to get in step with him, we agree to learn his ways and walk with him, as he walks in connection to the Father, and in connection to each other. 

This season people are busier than ever. They are stretched thin on every side. They are battling exhaustion and sickness. They are burdened by generations of family wounds and failures. They carry the weight great expectations often of things that aren’t what really matters. In the midst of this setting we have gatherings and parties and family dinners fraught with dangers in beautiful settings of lighted decorations and happy music. 

Notice when the wounds come- light scrapes or blunt force trauma, secretly hidden or in the open for all to see. Boundaries are vital, I want to be clear. Yet in the wounding, see if you can slow down, notice the cycle of violence and decide to be the one where it ends. Instead of self-protection and punishment, begin with forgiveness and then take the wound to the Father who longs for Yada with you. Allow him to speak truth into the broken place and reveal weakness and hurt that he wants to make right. Allow him to create a strength from the broken place that can withstand the forces of darkness and that begins to emanate love instead of oozing poison. 

Look for the things that bring back connection to what level is appropriate to the relationship. Forgiveness and connection do not always mean an invitation into the deepest places. That is what boundaries mean- be aware when the word “boundaries” are a cover-up for punishment. We are never allowed to withhold love and call it a boundary. Trust does need to be built, but love can flow even where trust has not yet bridged. The spirit gives us wisdom in all things- relationships especially. Start with an open heart to the Father and ask him how to love the people around you. He knows.

This Christmas as we celebrate that while we were all in deep darkness, God came himself to be light that now shines through us, I pray for wholeness of your own heart. I pray for healing of deep places long since forgotten. I long for Yada with the creator and connections and restoration of relationships in every family. I pray for a gentle strength, patience and wisdom. 

Shalom, peace and wholeness to you.