I have many anxious thoughts lately. I don’t consider myself an anxious person, I don’t get panic attacks, and I believe these challenges are going to sort out in the way God intends. However, I can’t help but look around as a human and see lots of instability to navigate and decisions that I’m not entirely certain about, and timelines that are not what I would prefer— were I in control of the universe.

These fires and waves are work centered, which is on one hand nice- because I can see stability in some other areas of my life giving me some firm places to rest between storms. My first instinct is to complain just a little… Why oh why are these unrelated fires starting up here and there? Woe is me, having to think creatively, find solutions, and make tricky decisions when I’d prefer all my ducks just line up and walk along at a nice comfortable pace as I envision. 

And then I am reminded: this is what you do. It’s what happens when you have authority over a thing, it’s going to demand you lead, make (sometimes unpopular) decisions, navigate challenging relationships, sometimes make mistakes and have to clean up messes. This is your training ground, because as you grow, you get “promoted” and then you have larger scale and problems that demand increased creativity and risk. 

When I say promoted, I don’t really mean professionally, I mean in our Kingdom work where bigger things are at stake with eternal consequences. I can almost hear God reminding me: This is what you asked for- opportunities to grow and learn. The bigger the challenge, the more vital it is that you stay close to me and allow me to guide you.

As I walked in the quiet of the evening woods yesterday I dug deeper into my heart and asked what is going on down there? I knew I felt disconnected somehow. Disconnected even from myself, which meant disconnected from those around me and from the source of all life and love, God. 

That whisper pointed out that anxious thoughts create disconnection. As I busily wiggled my mind about in the concerns of the surface world I didn’t have the space to reach out to others or care about their world, I wasn’t reaching out to God making myself available to his input (though I knew I wanted it desperately). I was distracted by all the details swirling around me.

Be still and know that I am God….

I saw a picture of my wild horse before me. I wanted her attention so we could do something together, but she was distracted by the cares of the environment all around her. She would look to me momentarily then hear an animal rustle in the brush and dart her eyes to check the sound… I’d bring her mind back and then a chainsaw half a mile away would pull her away. If she didn’t get her mind fixed on me, it didn’t matter what the distraction was, she was too aware of all the disturbances going out a mile in every direction. She was disconnected and anxious over the environment. We couldn’t get anything of quality done this way, she would be only half available for the task at hand. 

A couple days ago, the mare was worried about a narrow gate we had to walk through. She would enter the gate, then rush through, banging a stirrup on the metal side and panic, almost running me over in her fear. I used that moment as an opportunity to prove to her she could walk calmly with me through that gate. Then, as a matter of fact, if she trusted me and got herself centered and calm, she could even back up softly through the gate in reverse. I can promise you she did not believe me at first and was certain I would get us both killed. I calmly blocked all other avenues until she began to get quiet in front of me and allowed me to line up her body with the opening. When she settled, her eyes focused on me, and gave to my slow guidance, one foot and one soft step at a time, I was able to back her through that opening perfectly without trauma. The greatest challenge was her temptation to trust her own instincts, look away, and give in to fear, which always led to panic, rushing without guidance, and running into something (trauma). We did quietly navigate that opening together, and I’ve never had her full focus so clearly in the years I have owned her. It was astonishing to me how well it went when she got completely centered and calm with me as her only focus. 

I am a pretty busy minded mare myself. I keep track of a lot of things in my environment. I could see a lesson shaping up for my own benefit in this picture. Harry Whitney (who was giving the horsemanship part of the Bible and Horsemanship clinic week) has said many times that he expects a mature horse to be centered mentally with him and to be relaxed, yet ready at any moment to take direction. “Just be here” I’ve heard him say like a broken record to other busy minded horses who can’t believe it could be that simple. They are after all, prey animals accustomed to having to protect themselves from all manner of environmental dangers. It’s a challenge at first to convince them that they could trust a being separate from their own kind with greater than their own understanding to protect and guide them. Yet, if they do make this change, they can stop the stress and anxiety of tracking every sound and movement and rest in only having to keep their eyes and mind on the person who will lead them on a good path. This person will probably provide their needs and care for them as well. Life is a whole lot easier than in the wild. Ideally.

Of course no human is as perfect as God is to us, therein lies the biggest problem between horses and humans. We fail them and then ask them to trust us as we try again. Still we can see a picture – even an imperfect one – of what could be between God and us. 

Be present, relaxed, and ready. 

This means to keep my focus on God and allow him to direct my path. Relaxation equates to pliability and strength in a horse- tension is full of brace and hardness of mind and heart. When we stay relaxed we can move in a fluid efficient way when we are called to go. Instead of flitting around my attention to every possible reaction, staying centered and calm will mean I can tune out the noises and tune into what I need to know and be more aware of the path before me. 

This is not a hyper focus based on fear of the one leading me either. I’ve seen that with horses and it also backfires and creates a stiffness and brace of its own. When my horse is present, relaxed and ready, she can notice the deer at the edge of the field, she can even glance over, but she’ll be able to notice, let go and stay present and not get too involved with the deer. She can be confident the deer browsing in the grass do not pose any threat. This is the same with the chainsaw on the next property, the logging truck over in the road, or the grouse about to fly off on the trail. These environmental distractions are real, but my horse can notice and not get invested in them. 

The question for me is: Do I really believe that I can trust God to take care of the entire environment (the universe around me) and lead me through the passageways and narrow gates that are for me? I find myself when I’m honest, thinking it’s my job to figure it all out. This means I have to be pretty busy, and busy minded in order that I don’t miss anything important. I get too invested in every lawn mower, chainsaw or logging truck around me. I find it hard to at the core, truly trust that God is responsible for leading me, and I’m responsible for being present, relaxed and ready. I worry way too often that I’m going to miss something important and lose out on the job before me or an opportunity God had for me because I wasn’t paying attention. 

This has to be a lie because it’s almost true. 

I can miss out on something because I wasn’t paying attention- but the truth lies in the what I’m paying attention to? All the noises and rustlings of animals, and distant traffic, or chainsaws? Or letting all of that go to focus on the one right in front of me who is ready to show me where to put my next step and how, and at what speed. 

Father help this truth to sink in deep to my heart so that I can rest in your guidance and trust that if I will stay present, relaxed and ready, it can really be that simple. I can trust you to protect and guide me at all times and you will keep me in perfect peace as my mind is focused on you.

Reference passages:

Isaiah 26:2-4
Proverbs 3:5-7
Psalm 46: 10-11